Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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