the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
