If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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