before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
