my phone needs a breathalizer
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
25 Men Talk About the First Time They Went Down On A Woman
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...