I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?