So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING