Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..