U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies