Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
