i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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