When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
