I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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