I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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