and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
