dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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