Pregnant stripper...not hot.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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