the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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