i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
