Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
