She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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