you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
PANTIES FOUND
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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