i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
be right there i have to get my cape
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
