I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
