not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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