i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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