Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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