Grow some girl-balls and come out already
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The air taste purple.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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