Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
