He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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