You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
