none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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