..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
