If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
