At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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