This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
