you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
