The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
