drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
