I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
