plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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