He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
