I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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