So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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