how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
