he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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