I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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