can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
