I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
