You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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