11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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