Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
