Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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