Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
