Someone shit on the floor
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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