yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
