He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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